Talk to yourself like someone else (yes, really)
I've coached a lot over the years about how much your language matters - the actual words you choose, whether out loud or in your head. Positive versus negative, active versus passive, all of it. Here's another reason why: it turns out even the pronoun you use when you talk to yourself under stress changes how much anxiety you create. The research behind it is strong and what I like most - it’s simple.
It's called distanced self-talk, and it's exactly as unglamorous as it sounds: instead of talking to yourself in the first person - "I'm stressing out, I can't do this" - you swap in your own name or "you" instead. It now sounds like "Michelle, you've got this" or "you're stressing out, but you can do this". That's it. That's the whole technique.
I know. It sounds too simple but the evidence is solid.
Where this comes from
The psychologist behind most of this work is Ethan Kross at the University of Michigan. Back in 2014 his team ran a set of seven studies with 585 people, getting them to either talk to themselves using "I" and "me", or to switch to their own name and non-first-person pronouns, while preparing for stressful things like public speaking and making a good first impression. The distanced-talk group weren't just feeling better about it - independent observers rated them as performing better, and they reported less distress and less of that horrible after-the-event brooding where you replay every awkward moment on a loop.
Since then it's been replicated a fair few times, including a 2022 study using EEG that found distanced self-talk actually dampens the brain's emotional reactivity to upsetting images - and it does this without using up extra mental effort. A lot of emotion regulation techniques (reframing, mindfulness, the works) take real cognitive horsepower to pull off, which is annoying because the moment you're stressed is exactly the moment you've got the least mental bandwidth to spare. This one seems to work almost automatically.
Why on earth would swapping a pronoun make any difference?
Because of how you already think about other people. When a close friend is working themselves up about a work presentation, you don't think "I am definitely going to fail at this." You think, calmly, "you'll be fine, you always are." You give other people the sensible, steady advice. You just don't extend it to yourself, because "I" language keeps you glued right up close to the problem, nose pressed against the painting, no perspective at all (sound familiar?).
Using your name or "you" creates a tiny bit of psychological distance - just enough that your brain starts treating you a bit more like it treats other people. Which, conveniently, is the version of you that actually gives good advice.
How to actually use it
Next time you catch yourself mid-spiral, try amending the thought using your own name instead of "I". Not "I'm going to make a fool of myself at this meeting," but "[Your Name], you've prepped for this, you'll be fine." It feels a bit strange the first few times. Do it anyway.
For my past clients who are familiar with the DREAM technique in The Thrive Programme - it's a nice one to add onto the AMEND step of the DREAM technique - once you've caught the unhelpful thought, try re-phrasing it in the third person before you magnify it. And it works just as well for the small challenges as well as the big ones: nervous about a phone call, procrastinating on a difficult conversation. "You can have this conversation" lands differently than "I think I can have this conversation."
Give it a go this week. Worst case, you'll feel a bit self-conscious talking to yourself by name in the car. Best case, you've got one more genuinely evidence-based tool in the box.